the weather affects my knee

woohoooo i got into h3 lit!!! now to continue worrying about possible topics D: i'm really sorry to anyone reading this if you didn't get the H3s you wanted :( I think judging people based on grades alone (and not even grades for the subject in question) is really dumb but yeah there's a rationale behind it, and i'm grateful that the System decided to overlook my S's in math and history. esp because my appeal letter was so downright lame and totally not well written at all whoops

i realise i get through life a lot by second chances. this has to stop, i really need to start validating my worth and proving myself from the start instead of waiting to fail and then scrambling to fix things up. it's a different path from the one Genevieve (in our tsd group script THAT WE JUST FINISHED WRITING OMG HOORAY) takes to becoming an empty shell, but it'll end up at the same destination anyway.

I really want to be worth something & to be taken seriously (even if a lot of the time I don't even take myself seriously, but that's a good thing...right?). What worries me even more is that it's so easy to just say this, yet i can't begin to imagine what i have that would make me special and different from everyone else wanting to be Worth Something too.

but for now i am satisfied because we finished our tsd script!!1 and at some parts it is really lame, cliched, and corny... the flow/pacing is also off, but at least we've finished it! yeah, small victories. something related to the shit that hit the fan recently: i hope that at the end of this, we'll still be able to look at our little theatre baby objectively from all angles, know where we went wrong/where we were totally awesomesauce ("AWESOMESAUCE GROUP" FTW)... and still be happy about it.

k that's it i obviously have a future scriptwriting for channel 8 or MTV dramas~ see you in the fast lane guys

KARLIE KLOSS VS. who cares??? Ping pong game of win omg Balls of Fury & maggie q please move over.





OMG GURL, WERQ.

anyway... this week has been pretty good for me :) for a start on tuesday i actually TURNED UP TO SCHOOL ON TIME and i even got to bishan early to have breakfast omg~ o btw hotcakes r only for hot people... jsyk

wednesday uh, kinda skipped school. apparently, Mr Lyon Is Disappointed. but when i turned up for the non-existent tsd meeting (sigh) i managed to catch lunch w cheriel and cheriel's friend i forgot his name :) ilu cheriel!!! and also somehow managed to squeeze in some tsd group, chingay practice (yes you may lol), a shower, dinner at thai express w nigel, and still get to voice lesson on time... and then i hit the F# in defying gravity!!! OMG AWESOME DAY TTM.

it kinda devolved in awesomeness from there lolol cause on thurs i ponned (btw, i cant hear my phone alarm AT ALL now i think i've been desensitized to it... at least last time i would wake up to shut it off heehee) but today we got a lot of editing done w tsd script! happy~

o and also i'm addicted to jesse mai bb (again) :( can you say guilty pleasure??? but idc i bet i'm not alone pls reassure me. so, HOLLA IF JESSE WAS YOUR JAM (she's no you~~~). don't lie guys.

his songs are v gay but come on they were totally written about my life??? i mean, HOW DO YOU, HOW DO YOU SLEEP? oh and he is also super qt hehe i rmb i totally had a ~crush~ on him last time... best ex-tween celeb with ex-long hair plz? still qt now though. and i love his old music! it's so pure pop and happy :D also il how every girl in his she's no you video checked him out hehe.

can't get enough of pop nowadays, all the newfag pop is always inevitably dance techno with hardly any melody to speak of whatsoever. i think that's why i like musical songs too? cause the melodies are v nice and feature prominently instead of some crappy trance beat...

i was going to write a super angry ranty post cause my mom & i argued last night/this morning at 5 am... but now most of the anger has like just drained from me, and i know that no matter what, i will always respect my mom even though she is insecure, sometimes a total anal bitch (f'realz), and hasn't really achieved anything that she keeps telling me i should be (eg. she doesn't have a job and we all live off my dad and stepdad)... cause underneath all that i still see a really strong woman who's gone through a lot, who's given me a lot, and raised me to the best of her abilities + more.

tbh i think i'm pretty honest with myself. i know what i'm really good at, and i'd say i'm even kinda harsh at times. like, i know my violin skillz are kinda awesumz, but i totes admit that i just didn't have the dedication to become SUPER ALLOUT AWESUMZ. and i understand how my mom would look down on me for that, but telling her how i feel would only result in her being all like "well, yeah, so that's your fault and IT WAS ALL ME PUSHING YOU~~~~" blerp. and also i know my time management skillz are non-existent and i try my best not to make excuses for my lateness (as in, i don't make up reasons for not coming to school... to my ct i'm just like "i couldn't wake up :/" and that's that). so even though i can't seem to please my mom and i can't be who she wants me to be, i'm fine with that. just... sometimes, i just wish she would be fine with that too, and not try her best to wound me with all the faults and inadequacies she sees in me.

my greatest fear of the super-distant future (like, past university and all that) is turning into my mom. ik it always sounds like a joke when people talk about turning into their parents, but if i ever get married/have kids i want to love everyone in my life and be loved the same back. so ideally i would try to raise my kids and give them what they wanted, and when they change and start coming into their own, even if the path they wanted diverged from the one i envisioned, i would accept it and continue loving them forever. yeah. sounds like such a romantic (and hence impossible) idea, but that's what i want. as in, i don't believe in eternal happiness forever and ever, i think you need grief and sorrow - variety is the spice of life and all that. i believe in the inevitability of things and that everything dies.. but before i die i want to have at least some certainty that everyone whom i have loved has loved me back.

anyway, yeah. i'm starting to feel worried about my h3 lit appeal letter... i reread it and it sounded very clinical and totally dispassionate compared to claire's (practically) lyrical prose~~~ i might write a new one and beg them to let me resubmit :/ like, i really love books and poetry and words and reading and writing etc. etc. but ever since sometime last year, i became really wary of ~pretentiousness~ and i started being afraid that everything i had written so far that i thought was so awesome was actually utter bullcrap. since then i've kinda been super barren~ and empty~ and uninspired. oh well... maybe maybe.

so... i made a playlist. will upload later :) includes Defying Gravity by rachel&kurt from Glee, and i am totes addicted to it even though the original is of course more ~moving~ and epic and stuff. also, former miss south carolina teen usa learns where babies come from. hilarious stuff. there's a part2 as well hehe super funny.

pw op has been over for almost three days now and basically i have nothing left important to do now except this tiny thing called tsd group, which we happen to be woefully unprepared for... and i don't really feel ready to throw myself into productivity just yet, and i've written/edited all the scenes i've promised to, unlike a certain person, but w/e. pw has taught me forgiveness, patience, and if none of those things, extreme apathy after a while of caring too much and being anal. ha "extreme apathy", what a strange oxymoron.

so anyway i am basically lacking a sense of Purpose and all i've been doing is bumming around after waking up at 12-1 pm or later, listening to mainstream radio (power98 is way better than 98.7fm), and generally wallowing around in a haze of self-pity and laziness while i worry about how useless/talentless i am or bumming around on the internet until 4 am. rinse&repeat. in other words, the normal stuff, except i'm not even doing anything vaguely productive to cover my anxieties up :/

oh and i started on another playlist, which is a sure sign of boredom. i also went back to ontd hahaha it was quite glorious but basically i don't even try to write (shit) poetry anymore and i've stopped reading because i'm too lazy to go to a library, or they just happen to be out of my way these days... have i mentioned how much i hate bishan lately?? ik there's a library there but idk i just don't like it. give me bras basah any day... yeah i just feel v uninspired and uncreative and totally n00b. v daunting stuff yeah.

watched sister's keeper after op with pw group, it was... strange? i expected to cry bucketloads because people were like "omg i cried nonstop" and i'm a pretty easy crier, but unexpectedly i just found most of the scenes either fake, awkward/awkwardly-placed, or just generally not very believable. storyline i liked most was mosdef the taylor one, even though i thought the makeout scene lasted a little too long. i didn't bother reading the book because i don't really dig straight-out sensational sob stories but according to jl it's better than the film... surprise surprise.

other things watched: sofaman aka experimental theatre 101 (in the words of mr lyon, was it?) and um ~rgs nite~... basically like a combined performing arts ccas concert + a totally cringe-worthy, inexcusably awful musical.( moar about rgs nite )

best part of ~rgs nite~ was prob the school song and school cheers haha we were Very Embarassing and sang the school song v loudly and stood up for cheers!!! we were the only people who stood up for cheers hehe even though there were tons of rgs girls and some rj people in the audience too. i felt v warm and happy and nostalgic~ like f'realz :) and patriotic! okay it is nearly 4:30 i will slpz now~ tmr is anything but the brain w cat again haha i promise we will not be as embarassing there :D

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GENIUS