pics from Forward by Elyse Walker

Helmut Lang dress in 100% micro modal with twist back detail and asymmetrical hem. Unhealthy-looking model not included. Retailed at $160 ($174 with tax), selling for $110 shipped or name your price and MAGIC WILL HAPPEN. Shipping from NY, paypal accepted.( Get your buyers' regret swag here!!! )

never felt more abandoned and alone in my life

my ra asked me if i missed home during our one-on-one meeting the other day and i was like, "no, i just miss my boyfriend." really everything is pretty awesome even though i'm as bad at school and homework as i ever was (if not worse) and i might actually have a good chance at maintaining my current weight instead of putting on the freshman 15... i probably won't work out at all even though my roommates have crazily awesome bodies, because



yup in the meantime, been eating a variety of food from a variety of places which score a range of mediocre to fucking awesome. for eg. today ~chan~ and i had lunch at eataly aka oysters and smoked black cod, which might have actually been the most delicious fish i have had since, uh, forever. i just kind of went into a food-induced daze after that (even though it was $18 for what i thought was a massively overpriced little block of fish - and it still kinda is, except that it was so worth it). now our fridges has parma ham, vine-ripened tomatoes, and freshly made mozarella in little fishball-shaped balls. yeaaaahhhhhh.

dining hall meals arent too bad actually, just that everytime i swipe my card for a meal i'm like "wait, this may feel free but it's actually eleven bucks i've been made to pay for" w t f nyu. really hate this school's administration/policies. and legal drinking age is getting on my nerves so much, i'm at the point where i hoard bottlez in my desk drawer and order wine in restaurants just because they don't card people there. can i get a fistsplosion for being sober in college? no? ok.

so after spending 7 hours doing work today and only just finishing one out of two overdue homework assignments (who cares about work that's due this week, that's for next week to care about, AMIRITE) imma go to bed and attempt to wake up slightly earlier to cram for a quiz during my one and only 3.30pm class tomorrow. that is all

What are these ads interrupting my "LiveJournal experience"???

Also, when I'm sad I make myself sadder by listening to sad songs. /pessimist

being in new york makes me:
a) excited
b) appreciative
c) sad
d) varying levels of lonely
e) broke

this city is very beautiful. the presence of more than a couple species of trees, the proximity of my residence/school to a park, the brownstones/the architecture and occasional sunlight makes my world look better than it's been for the past 19+ years.

people ask me if i'm well, if i'm happy, how i feel. yeah, sure, i'm happy - i worked very hard and it seemed like a gigantic struggle just to come here, but i'm sure it only gets harder from this point on. and not having the person who makes me happiest around makes it a little less easy to bear..sacrifices sacrifices.

homework is already piling up :( and i'm just as bad as applying my concentration in an extended span of time than i ever was...just gotta keep reminding myself that i survived rj & i can survive this!

At this point, I just... don't really want to leave. I don't remember why I wanted to get out of here so badly anymore, thinking about leaving people behind makes me imagine possible scenarios that don't end well, and I loathe not having enough money to have my near future secure and safe in my hands.

Seems so long ago, but barely 7 months ago I had this ultra-strong conviction and belief that I was sure of what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Now, weighing it up against reality, decisions are haaard :(

I counted: less than 20 weekends left with the people I love.


...right, my mom just reminded me of why i want to get out asap. she complains of having no energy to do the things that need doing, but UM, that's cause you're spending your energy (and our money) doing things that are FUN and ENTERTAINMENT-y while the laundry pile is sitting at home breeding little bacteria microsystems of its own. ugh how useless and delusional can one person get

I haven't been posting lately because life is surprisingly stable. Routine is boring, familiarity is stifling, but I'm happy; almost nauseatingly so, in fact. I kind of want to kick myself sometimes for being so easily satisfied, and for being completely unable to not talk about a certain one person for more than 30 minutes at a stretch. Whatever happened to being ~independent?? Last year I would have vom'd in my mouth if anyone had dared to call me anything other than "bbgurl", "gurl", "bb", or any other iteration of that abbreviation, but now I let someone call me "baby" (it's different from "bb", okay???) for reals and hold my hand on the bus. Not very proud of myself, but w/e. Better with than without, is what I keep telling myself... but nonetheless, as much as I try to deny it, I'm totally okay with how things are at the moment.

I only wish I had more money... $1000 housing deposit for NYU, y/n? It's good that I have an upcoming interview for the MDA grant (finally!!! even tho it's only a maximum of 100k and i need something like 310k...erpz), but that's 25 May and the application deadline for housing is 1 June.My dad told me to call NYU to extend but I really don't know how that conversation might go. "Er, I paid the $500 confirmation deposit but I might not come to your school anyway...." Yeah, no. I wish NAC would shortlist applicants earlier, because tbh shortlisting by June/July for interviews is way too late for anyone to be finalising their uni plans, guys.

Last year I consoled myself with the thought that if I was accepted into Tisch it would have been a form of validation; I told myself I didn't have to go and that I'd be happy with musical theatre at Lasalle. Now i'm too afraid to even make the payment for my Lasalle application, too afraid to choose and memorise a monologue from the pile of plays sitting on my desk, too afraid to sing through the songs I chose more than thrice at a time. Having been accepted into one program, I'm even more irrationally afraid of being rejected from one which is less reputable, even though it's so much more appropriate for my financial and personal means. Most of all, it sucks feeling this chance slip from my hands.

My two colleagues love Excuses (the acoustic version) by The Morning Benders after I played it on my iPod. One of them calls it the hammock song, because during the humming parts she likes to imagine herself lying in a hammock by the sea. If anything, the humming refrain is one of the most catchiest strains of melody I've ever known, and it's stuck in my head right now :( but I'm starting to get bored of my music. Would ask for recommendations but I doubt anyone even reads this anymore...Even so, if anyone sees this, plz rec bands that have more than one good track and I would be super grateful :D

being happy more often makes me appreciate life more. food tastes better, the sky is clearer, happiness is more intense and feels more "true", somehow. for every small irritation and upset that lands a thorn in my side, i have a wealth of contentment to draw on.

still it's not really enough: like when i get tisch but maybe can't go, when i think my hives have healed but a new spot pops up on the inside of my wrist and it's the most itchy thing EVER... things that make me wish life could be perfect right now, if these hives would just gtfo already (they are SO mofo annoying because every time one spot scabs over, another one pops up!!!1 and i dont know whats causing it AT ALL) and if i could catch my buses every morning.

nonetheless, i am happy.

http://www.noisesingapore.com/theartists/artistdetail/id/5669

instead of filling up my sph paper application i made a profile on noise singapore, so, uh, check it out guise! prob nothing you've not heard before ('cept for "soft heart/hard love" which is relatively new) but yeah, idk, publicise plz. thank you~

eta: http://www.noisesingapore.com/theworks/musicdetail/id/34165/kind/subs i really like this track! her voice is so nice 8D