Current mood:	apathetic
Current music:	through toledo - greg laswell
Entry tags:	meme

i can spell enneagram
i got AY, or the Eight. it really is scarily accurate, but i guess that's because when i was taking the test and i read the options, i read A and felt "this is so me, the other options have to be wrong", and i chose it. same for Y. the only part of the result that's inaccurate is the first bit: How to Get Along with Me. idkwhy, it just didn't resonate as well as the other results. i bolded the bits that i felt were really spot-on.

"I must be strong"

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

• Stand up for yourself... and me.
• Be confident, strong, and direct.
• Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
• Give me space to be alone.
• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
• I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a EIGHT

• being independent and self-reliant
• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
• being courageous, straightforward, and honest
• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
• upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a EIGHT

• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
• being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
• never forgetting injuries or injustices
• putting too much pressure on myself
• getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

EIGHTs as Children Often

• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
• are sometimes loners
• seize control so they won't be controlled
• figure out others' weaknesses
• attack verbally or physically when provoked
• take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings*

EIGHTs as Parents

• are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
• are sometimes overprotective
• can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

* asterisk explained as follows

i didn't grow up in abusive surroundings for the most part. in fact, i got along perfectly fine with my mother after my parents got divorced, and even after she got married to my stepfather. that was because when she got married to my stepfather, i lived very much alone (and i mean alone) at home for the next one and a half years, while she moved with him into his flat. i did my own laundry (handwashed my pinafores day after day because i was never allowed to use the washing machine/iron), sorted my own meals... (didn't eat dinner). my mom came home about once every 1.5 weeks, maybe to sporadically do a load of laundry or wash the dishes. i'd get scolded for washing the dishes, if i did, because i was "not clean enough." ... right.

this was in p6. i'd say age 12-13 is a very important milestone, especially for a Singaporean kid, because it's your last year in the school you'll have spent the most time in, by the time the Singapore education system spits you out. and i discovered a lot of things about myself that i didn't like in sec1, and i changed a lot, so by the time my mom got around to moving me to my stepfather's flat, i was, in a sense, a totally different kid from the one she had last spent a significant amount of time with.

of course, i don't think either of us understood this until about two years later. i'm still not sure if she thinks she's managed to get in touch with the new me since that year (2004), and of course, i keep changing, so she probably won't ever catch up until i'm a sufficiently independent adult to have conversations with her on a level playing field... at least in terms of age and the amount of control she has over me.

and i obviously must not forget to say that until 2004, i probably got hit more than your average kid, and got scolded about more things like my grades and inconsequent things like cleanliness. this is based on what i remember and what i see my mom doing to my 3 year old sister. but i did have a very enjoyable childhood. i was practically glued to Mummy until i was left alone and realised, "hey, i'm not my mother. i never will be. and she's a very annoying person to be."

hence why i find her so exceedingly annoying now.

unrelatedly, i do hope my sister doesn't become a major screwup. the way my mom's raising her... who's to say? and judging by how i deal with her now, i think that's probably a close approximation of how i'll deal with my future children. i think i put altogether too much pressure on her, because my sister really is so developed and intelligent and smart, that i try to explain and imprint concepts like freedom of expression (re: whether Barbie is pretty to her or stupid to me) and my complicated relationship with my mother.

then i think to myself, "hello, she's three, what the hell are you saying???"

... yeah.

and i am straightforward and honest - sometimes overwhelmingly so, and more than i wish to be. for example, you really didn't need to read all that about my familial relationships, etc. yeah, you really didn't need to.